bc's poems

poems i have written over the past ten years. some in pain, some in joy and some in plain lunacy

If tomorrow I shall die
at the age of sixty
then today I shall live
as if I were eighteen again
and remember that I had high hopes then
and have seen each one crumble to dust before my eyes
My tears will roll from wrinkled cheeks
as they did at that young age
I will remember that I cried then
for the same reason I cry now
I love life and want to keep it
for all my earthly possessions are mine
and mine alone.
Won't you come and lay your head down beside me
Tell me it will be alright in the morning
I know nothing will change
and when I die it will all stay the same.

My love is dead.  It died at eighteen.

I lived life for hope's sake.
Hope is dead.
I am dead.

I sat at home today
I remember earlier I saw a movie
It gave me hope
Hope for a better future
The future is a joke.
Hope is a joke.
My life is a joke.
I know now that life will never change
Change is just a word
A word on a page
A page in a book
Books mean nothing
The Bible is a book
Books mean nothing
Just words on a page in a book that means nothing
Life was once described as a book
Each man was a page or a chapter
All were bound in one giant book
Books mean nothing
But, I remember earlier I saw a movie.

I called when I was on the verge
It was you who saved me
Not by pleading or begging
But telling me there was someone there for me
I never told you I was going to die
But somewhere deep inside
You heard me cry out
And you reached out and grabbed me by the hand
You grabbed me by the hand
You grabbed me by the hand and you pulled me back into the world
You gave life meaning again
And I thank you.
For now I shall relive this new feeling of hope
I thank you.
Until the next time
And then will even you be too late?
Thank you.

And if I said I love you
would you turn away
And deny me all that I desire
or would you return my love
in your own unbridled way
I doubt this
for you have denied me many times before
so why should it be different now
We are older
but your heart is still the same
I cry aloud
but the noise goes unheeded
I beg for mercy
and your laugh chills my soul
I end my life
And it all remains the same.
I lie in my grave
and then I hear you say
I love you.
and I cry silently

I miss your love
for I turn and you are gone
I miss your touch
for distance kills all sensation
I miss your voice
because my screams are no comparison
They say time kills all
Lies, all lies
Distance kills all
Do you care for me
But I turn and you are gone

If to write
If to write poetry
Please do not confuse me
Did I not say I loved them
Did I not say I care
But what difference does it make
What good are emotions to the deaf
Can you hear me
Do you understand
Are you even listening
But I can't make out the words

Dedicated to Brian Teasly.  I'm still deciphering your poems.

Begin at the beginning
and end before you die
Don't start what you cannot finish
Why say things you do not mean
Don't laugh at words said jokingly
Meanings are everywhere in the modern world
Life's a joke
A trigger or a blade
Finish the problem before it starts
That's what they said
Are they happy now
And life goes on
for those that can handle it
Can you?

Are you scared for me
Do you think I am dying
What a silly question
Of course I am dying
But I am in no hurry
I have many tasks to complete
before my life can end
And you call me up now and cry to me
Your sorrow is a revelation
Your depression brings me joy
My pen moves faster as the tears drop
from your eyes
I would beg forgiveness
but the paper denies me my freedom
I would cry with you
but I have no time to spare
But thank you,
for the thought,

The rope tightens around my neck
I hear the creak of boards
as my body swings
My brain fills with translucent figures
My eyes bulge to make the world clearer
My tongue swells to taste its last flavor
My body tingles as sensation is drained
My vessels expand to pump my blood faster
The rope breaks
and I'm given another chance.

It has come to an end
I look behind me
and see the last wave roll out to sea
I turn to look forward
The sky is dark
A light on the horizon tells me there is more
Something more to life
I take my first step
but fall to the ground
I crawl a second step
but I am held back by another
I punch my captor
and I am forced back to where I began
I realize the light is only a rainbow
but why can't it be mine
I cry where I lay
and realize that my life has stopped
I turn
I turn and take a seat at my desk
I am clamped in the chair
and the ride is over
My youth is dead.

It does no good
The unhappiness persists
And life goes on
Death is an exit
but I keep pushing on
I don't know
Life is hell
And alcohol is my sedative
Why does it have to be like this?
I cry
But it never ends.

I look around
calm faces
unlike mine.
fear tenses my body
I shake silently
trying to conceal
trying to hide
the fright
no one finds out
I turn
a girl smiles
nervous smile
I laugh silently
relieved I'm not alone.

everywhere I turn
slapping me down
I'm only human
love me
for what I am
not who I am
I love you
Don't you understand
Don't you care?
turn around
I love you
Can't you hear me
for your love
Why walk away
happiness is a fable
a cruel tale
make do
life ends soon enough

never there
Is it time
She was beautiful
Is she now?
I used to love her
I used to care
do I now
Her beauty
moved me
inspired me
why not now
Was it time
is it me?

The water
washing over me
rising to my waist
a childhood friend walks by
the water
washing over me
rising to my chest
another girlfriend says good-bye
the water
washing over me
rising to my neck
the end of school draws near
the water
washing over me
rising to my face
the summer is half over
the water
washes over me
completely drowning my youth.

The water
washing over me
carries off the blood
of my last mistake.

setting in
my sight grows hazy
I reach
but feel nothing
a light surrounds me
but I see nothing
I scream
but I hear nothing
I sense the walls
but no door out
out of this hell
this depression
I crawl
but it does no good
the walls are endless
and it never stops.

The world is divided
night and day
the forces combine
to fight
to end the battle
I stand alone
between them
sneers from both sides
trap me in the middle
to the day
I am a coward
to the night
I am the enemy
I lift my hands
in life
in peace
to merge the forces
end the war
my efforts are answered
I sink to the ground
blood flows underneath
which side did this to me
It does not matter
and the war continues.

Life is dull.
a repetitive trip into nothing
an eternalizing circle
leading from one bad choice to another
causing life to slide
as life plummets
the path gets steeper
finally turning a slant
to a straight fall
a fall into nothing
sometimes death
wake from sleep
to start the trip again.

I said I love you
as we walked along the beach
holding hands
only us
I love you
You turned and blushed
I said I need you
as we walked along the beach
grips loosening
I need you
you backed away
I said marry me
as we ran down the beach
me chasing you
hands apart
marry me
you ran from me
I asked if you loved me
as our distances closed
coming together
fingers touching
Do you love me?
you came to me
without fear
I do
I do

I stand here
crying to myself
wondering why
why life has to be like this
the room is dark
Dark with my shadows of sorrow
I remember you
almost as if you were some dream
lying by my side
lips touching,
fingertips caressing your gentle skin
I lean to kiss you
and choke
as I fall
and the rope closes around my neck.

I hear a tune
calling me.
I feel the world
all around me
all around me.
I see the world
and beautiful
the images fade
as you near me.
you cry
eyes filled with scarlet tears
lips moving
scarlet lips
begging me
pleading me
to stay
Why are you crying?
but the images return
and the tune plays on.

Passions overflowing
with the mention of your name
I long to hear your voice again
whispered softly in my ear
Your beauty inspires
and your words command
Please come to me my love
And I scream your name across the night

The very voice of freedom
is screaming in my face.
A scream of bondage
wrapped in chains of lies
and spies
Our country has called on us
not to defend it
but to go on the cross
for their forgiveness
for their deliverance
deliverance from the sins of fear
We travel quietly down the road
the road of the unknown
and we are crucified for it
for being original
and for being the first.
Now we stand marked
and will forever suffer the punishment
for crimes that were never committed
nor ever will be

is love
is hope
is beauty
is meaning
is understanding
I love you my love
I love my life
Your gentle answer
swaying me without a word
The caressing touch that never happens
I glow with the happiness
that will never come
nor ever is
But the feeling of life
and the longing of love
with gentle caressing fingers
makes me listen
to the answers that were always there
but never apparent.

There is nothing
nothing to attach to
nothing to protect you
All is lost
your youth is done
all hope has gone
Love is a fable
they all go away
our lives are a play
Go back to sleep
and try to rest your soul
it's beyond your control

I lie awake
and know
know that it will never happen
never be
A wish
just a stupid wish
but the beauty it holds
unmatched by any other
I hope
Hope is a myth
It either does
or does not
I join the two
as the fallen martyr
even my death
signifies nothing.

Strange happiness
overcomes a lifeless body
not so lifeless
dead to the world
but feeling persists
physically living
mentally vacant
the happy man talks on
talks about nothing
talks about everything
why does he try
why does he care
we don't
we listen with a smile
a meaningless smile
a deaf ear
our minds take us
take us away from old man babble
take us away from the junk of the world
but the voice drones on
we crash noiselessly back
back into the scum-filled seas
back into the trash-filled lands
back into our happy homes
we become the man
to babble to the next who listens.

The wandering mind
has wandered once again
times of happiness
draw to a close
I now go back to sleep
the sleep of depression
it frees the mind
but claims the heart
I am happy
in a sad way
I strive for more
and complain I have it
why can't life be both
and neither
I want none of it
I need all of it
I will be the one who cries
shall you be the one who listens?

I sit in my chair
staring at the room around me
the empty room
nothing to keep me
to hold me
to this world
this evil sad world
I should go
but I always hope.
nothing ever works
nothing is good
nothing is everything
in this world
this pathetic world
I can only hope.
it lasts so long
then disappears.

I wish that you knew
emotions I feel
you are the one
unlock the door
I travel blind
I reach for your beauty
I reach for your soul
I wish that you knew
what has become
I lie on the ground
crushed by your Love

I am in love again
It has surrounded me
And caused all the bad in my life
trapped between commitment
and freedom
I have chosen the wrong path
Now I lay in middle
wishing for the things that can never be
wishing for the things that will never be
the pain is now a part of me
and I will never be happy
and I can never be happy

I miss you
your hair, eyes, lips, everything
I miss touching you
holding you in my arms
kissing you
knowing that I was complete
with you.
I want to have you again
know that you are all mine
once more
kiss you 
hold you
once more
but that can never be
my doubt would kill me
and you.
I am to blame
I know it was all me
guilt, suspicion
you tried to love me
I couldn't see it
I'm sorry
If things were different 
I would love you right
and not force you to be elsewhere
with somebody else

but I'm only fooling myself
we make our own choices.

I was a bad boyfriend
I apologize
but you were a worse girlfriend

Evil World

Yesterday I watched the ocean. Huge waves crashing against rocks and sand. It was tremendous. The water swirled around posts, that were once the proud supporters of docks and piers. Not so much now. Just decaying limbs, sinking into the ocean. I stood in that ocean yesterday. Watching the waves run past me and back. A Sprite bottle washed by my feet. A moment ago I was scared that this giant, beautiful force wanted to swallow my land. Now I wished it would.

Things are never the same
after it happens
what could be done
to stop the pain
to stop it all
Walking through life ignoring
the abuse
the tragedy we all feel
the everyday horror
of the everyday things
But we don't notice
or do
and just keep ignoring
and just keep walking.

Beaming Down
happy people dancing
everyone smiles
everyone sings
the world is beautiful
We destroyed it once
polluted seas
trashy lands
But all is gone
Banded together
fixed the bad
and now we are happy
without our cans
without our cars
and now we are happy
and now are we happy?


the adventures of a failed writer - 2003
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