lykosis' scribbles on a pad

clearing the cobwebs from my mind

She said "I love you" and then I cried. I knew the end was closer today than it was yesterday. The moment was at hand and I watched helplessly as it sank into the past to join the beginning. I stare at the past and think of how it greedily consumes the present while working its way towards the future. I know that I am helpless against it so I loathe it. "I love you too" I respond as I wipe the tears from my eyes and the reality from my mind, and I can't help but think "how long?"

Walking through the darkness and staring at the light. Images of loathing break into my sight. What is it that draws me near? What is it that I fear? Many things are not known to me. But I know the world of duality. Screaming in my ears you love. Loving the ones who love to shove. You closer but not that close. Living with another's ghost. Why do we live this way? Why do we play the games we play? When I know I will tell you. When I lie it will come true. Remember tomorrow and forget yesterday. A time of sorrow and my own dismay. Cannibal, I'm eating myself. Drowning you and someone else. I have to live and live without. The dreams that taunt me and fly about. Inside my head that I despise. In a time that makes me rise. Up to nothing so I can crash down. On top of you without a sound. I move inside your beating heart. I knew I would from the start. Stop the beating and break free. From these ties that bind me....

The sky is crying down upon me as I cry into my hands which move back over my face and into my hair which is wet from the tears of the sky that we call rain but I wanted to add that special "poetic" sound. Yea, you know what I'm talking about when I say that my hands moved to the back of my neck and then to my shoulders sliding down to my nipples and I pinched them between my finger and thumb, squeezing as hard as I can through my Hanes crewneck white t-shirt that clings to me like a wet t-shirt tends to do and I laugh about it now, but it was dangerous having my face turned towards the sky, my eyes closed, pinching my nipples and crying from the pain as I thought of you.

My little pony…ponies…lots of them. I scatter them as I play…scattered ponies. Ponies in the living room…ponies in the den…ponies in the foyer…they all have their kingdoms to rule…scattered. Pony fights and pony conquests and pony jail…torture the ponies…the bad ponies…they deserve it…for being bad. “WHAT THE FUCK IS ALL THIS SHIT!!!” silent imagination broken…ponies turn back to plastic…grass turns back to carpet…yanked back into reality by a monster that towers over me and my ponies…I remain silent…I wait for it. “I ASKED YOU A FUCKING QUESTION, GIRL? ARE YOU GOING TO ANSWER ME? LOOK AT ME DAMNIT!!!” puffy black shaggy haired monster grabs my arms and I look into red demon eyes of anger…words escape me…replaced by tears…tears and confusion. “GODDAMNIT, YOU AND YOUR FUCKING PONIES!! YOU’VE GOT A BEDROOM TO PLAY IN!! THERE’S NO REASON TO CLUTTER UP THE ENTIRE HOUSE WITH THIS SHIT!!! NOW IS THERE?” “no sir”, I manage through tears. “AND STOP THAT CRYING SHIT. YOU WANT SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT?!?” shaggy hair monster grabs my little pony…first one he sees…opens door and out she goes…flying flying flying towards the woods…’but that’s not a Pegasus’, I think…silly thought as the monster goes on his way…silly confused thoughts…teary eyes…and a pony in the woods…it’s time to clean up my ponies.

I finish my beer off as I walk up to the bar. I take a place next to a pretty girl wearing a plaid skirt and braids. I watch as the bartender pours her a whiskey. She thanks the bartender and turns her back to the bar…her eyes meeting mine for the briefest of moments as she turns. She didn’t pay…must be a regular here. The bartender interrupts my thoughts asking me what I want. I present my empty bottle to her and she exchanges it for a full one. She tells me how much and I pay…I’m not a regular…not yet anyway. I take leave of the bar area and return to my spot along the far wall. I resume my people watching and think about the definition of the word voyeur and if it applies to me…I suppose it does…in a way. I fix my gaze on a young couple sitting at a table on the other side of the room…close to the pool tables. I can tell that she is pissed by her expression…she’s giving him the ‘I can’t believe you just said/did that look’. I smile to myself…we’ve all seen/given that look before. I take a drink from my fresh beer and savor the cold liquid as it slides down my throat…damn that’s good…so good that I take another long drink. I don’t care what anyone says…High Life is good shit. What’s this…there is a guy at the bar looking my way…hmmm…I wonder what his problem is. Looks like I’m about to find out…he’s headed my way. He’s not bad looking…smooth chestnut hair…delicate facial features…the kind of guy you would call pretty. He offers me his hand and his name…I return the gesture. He has soft hands…definitely not a laborer. He compliments my shirt and I thank him for the compliment. He takes a place next to me along the wall. We make small talk for the next ten minutes or so…sizing each other a bit. Finally he asks me if I’d like to smoke a joint before the show starts. Damn, that’s cool…I accept his invitation and he tells me he lives around the corner. I take another big drink from my beer and tell him, “let’s go”. I finish my beer on the way to the door and discard my bottle into the giant garbage can by the door…it makes a loud clang as it makes contact with the other bottles inside…I love that clang. We talk a little bit about nothing as we make the walk down the street. I make myself comfortable on his couch and start to survey the room…nice place…I compliment his aquarium…I’ve always liked aquariums…so relaxing. My eyes stay glued to the aquarium as the sound of Love and Rockets fills my ears…interesting choice…I dig it. My host produces a nice sized joint from a box and fires it up…he takes three long drags and then passes it over to me. We smoke for a few minutes…my eyes always returning to the aquarium as we converse…nice guy…nice house. I’m feeling lucky tonight…I’m feeling good…it’s a great feeling and I close my eyes to savor it as we sit there not speaking…just smoking the joint and listening to the tunes. My host finally breaks the silence by asking me, “so, you ever let a guy suck your dick?” I consider the question for a moment and then with a smile I respond, “not yet…but I’m always up for something new.

Which shoes? Which shoes? My eyes focus on the oxblood Docs for a moment… decisions…I glance towards the black high heels for a moment but my eyes immediately come back to the Docs. The steal toes…the fourteen eyes…powerful shoes…and they look nice with thigh highs and a skirt…power and beauty…decision made.
Which skirt? Which skirt? I reach for the plaid schoolgirl without thinking…decisions…My mind reminds me of the black mini…what about the black mini? I pull it out and examine it…I decide my mind doesn’t know shit and go with my instincts…plaid it is…decision made.
Which shirt? Which shirt? I grab a plain white Hanes T…decisions…I take off my white bra and throw it to the floor. I grab a red bra off of the top shelf and put it and the white T on…the red shows through…perfect…decision made.
I take a look at my assembled outfit in the mirror…the boots…the thigh highs…the plaid skirt…the white T with the red bra showing through…the braids with the plaid ribbons at the end…I am just dripping sex…it’s time to go…decision made.
I walk into the bar alone. Everyone notices me…the men that want to fuck me…the women that they are with…the women that want to fuck me…the men they are with…decisions…I order a whiskey and water from the bartender who serves it with a smile. I turn my back to the bar and scan the room…decisions…I make eye contact with more than one person, but never for more than a second…Suddenly my eyes lock with a beautiful red head that is engaged in conversation with a rather ordinary looking guy. She looks at him to respond to whatever it is that he is saying but her gaze continues to return my way…I down the rest of my drink and begin walking towards her…decision made.


© the adventures of a failed writer - 2003
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